


Gray

by Mozzarella



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: A bit of Kylo typical violence, And by culture I mean Gossip because stormtroopers are gossipy bitches, Body Worship, Consort Finn, Crack Treated Seriously, Force-Sensitive Finn, M/M, Stormtrooper Culture, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-04-02
Packaged: 2018-05-14 18:22:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5753545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mozzarella/pseuds/Mozzarella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Kylo Ren pines after FN-2187 (Finn, his name is Finn), tastes the light without converting to it, kills Supreme Leader Snoke, becomes the galaxy's favorite gray moral dictator, and takes Finn as his consort. </p><p>More or less in that order. </p><p>Featuring Supreme Leader and not so dark Dark Lord Kylo Ren, a confused but cheerful and benevolent Consort Finn, a cautious and terrified galaxy and a bemused mom Leia Organa with a doubly bemused and vaguely impressed Dad Solo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. General Mom

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt here: http://tfa-kink.dreamwidth.org/1082.html?thread=1005114#cmt1005114
> 
> Good luck figuring out if I'm writing a serious fic or crack, because honestly I'm not even sure myself. 
> 
> This fic should also contain porn. Mustn't let that body worship tag go to waste.

Leia Organa had not seen her son in years, not in the time she spent trying to fight tooth and nail against the regime of unflinching, ironfisted ideals that Snoke had used to bulldoze his way across the galaxy, and over everything Leia had fought to save since she was young.  
  
She did not see him when news began to spread--Snoke had fallen, killed by one of his knights of Ren (she didn't let herself hope, she didn't allow herself to believe). The First Order had other leaders, she knew. None like Snoke, but she didn't believe for a second that everything was done just because the devil they knew was now dust.  
  
Leia Organa met her son for the first time in years when the Finalizer appeared suddenly in D'Qar's space, right out of hyperspace, flanked by too many ships to count, enough to destroy the planet in a focused assault.  
  
She hadn't even been aware they knew where the base was. Clearly she'd grown complacent in the years following Snoke's demise, the First Order's activity becoming less and less destructive, word reaching her of their settling into certain worlds and establishing order there, their presence felt less and less in the outer systems despite their continued existence, like a shadow looming, warning of danger that never came.  
  
A menacing-looking command shuttle landed right in the Resistance's hangar, accompanied by TIE fighters that effectively prevented any attempt at shooting the ship down. General Organa herself gave the order to stand down, knowing that with the First Order's greatest ship right above the atmosphere, they stood no chance of surviving a firefight.  
  
From the ship emerged two figures, one of whom she felt before she saw.  
  
He loomed tall, frightening in a full mask and black robes, graceful and grand and dangerous and dark. He had an air of authority about him, something that extended far beyond the rank of a commander or a general.  
  
It didn't take long for Leia to realize that she was looking at the Knight who had killed Snoke, the new leader of the First Order.  
  
Before even that, she knew that what she had felt was her son.  
  
He stood before her, tall as his father (taller, Leia realized), looked down at her without a face for her to see.  
  
She hadn't seen Ben since he left to train with Luke. He was a child then, sweet and beautiful and awkward, and angry.  
  
Without her prompting, he lifted his mask, his dark hair falling into place before she was able to trace his features with her eyes.  
  
He was beautiful, pure and unmarked, deceptively sweet in his eyes and lips, so very like the child Leia missed all those years ago, and yet nothing like him at all.  
  
"Hello, General Organa," he murmured, his voice startlingly low. Like his grandfather's. Much of him reminded Leia now of his grandfather.  
  
"Ben," said Leia quietly, defiantly.  
  
"Kylo Ren," he corrected, though not unkindly. "Or Supreme Leader, if you prefer."  
  
"I thought... I had hoped it was you," Leia continued. "The one who killed Snoke. It satisfied me to believe that it had been you."  
  
"I suppose you thought it a sign that I had converted to the light," Ben--Kylo Ren said, amused. "That I would come back to you."  
  
"You have come back to me," said Leia. "But I sense no light in you," she added, her voice shaking.  
  
Kylo stepped closer, and Leia couldn't help but flinch back, though she did not move further even as her guards tensed, ready to fire despite overwhelming odds, and Kylo Ren moved into her space and wrapped his arms around her, one hand behind her head pressing her against his chest and the other around her back. He felt his chin resting against her hair, and for the first time in a very long time, Leia had no idea what to do.  
  
"Mother," Kylo said gently. "The light does not reside in me, but it is not lost to me. My anger, my hatred, my suffering... it is eased, because I have found balance. I no longer feel torn and afraid, the way Snoke made me to be.  
  
Leia felt herself relax against her son's grip, and she knew he was telling her the truth. She could feel it in him, the sensitivity she'd honed over the years. The darkness was part of him, but it was not a taint. It was not a roiling, destructive thing, not like the darkness she remembered years past that resided in her fa--in Darth Vader when she'd met him.  
  
It was a quiet darkness, like a peaceful night in D'Qar, dotted with strange lights, like stars, that were not his, but that touched his spirit nonetheless in its tranquility.  
  
She pulled at the sparkling light with her mind, and for the first time looked up to see the one accompanying Kylo Ren, who'd stood in the stark white light and smoke of the ship, unnoticed until now.  
  
He was a young man, dressed in pure white, marked with Kylo Ren's own sigil, but his spirit, she could sense, was pure, light and goodness, dark dancing over it like sparkling sand in the water, nothing like taint or ruin.  
  
"I want you to meet someone," Kylo Ren whispered into her hair, and she could hear the smile in his voice as he said it.  
  
And though she could not fathom the strange world she'd somehow come into since the Finalizer appeared in D'Qar's space, she could not help feeling hope bloom in her chest at the face of her son, and at the young man who stood aside, nervous and sheepish, rubbing his hands together with all the spirit of a beloved meeting family.  
  
"This is my consort," Kylo Ren said, gesturing to the young man. "His name is... Finn," he continued, sounding unused to the name (Leia thought she might have to ask about that later).  
  
"It's nice to meet you, Finn," Leia said, turning to the other man, younger than her son, but not by much, handsome and hardened with the difficulty of years in war.  
  
"It's nice to meet you as well..." Finn began, trailing off at a loss for her title.  
  
"Leia is fine," she encouraged, turning once more to her son.  
  
"Tell me everything," she said, hoping for answers to all her questions and the questions of all those on D'Qar, hoping to quell their fears and for a good outcome to the day.  
  
Hoping.


	2. FN-2187

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First meetings.

For a very long time, all Kylo Ren knew was anger. It was what fueled him, a fire that Snoke made grow, wishing to use it to destroy all in his path, feeding him words of wisdom that made his fists clench and the molten fire in him roil, spit flames of resentment, of betrayal, of inadequacy and fear and hatred. 

Those on base knew this well, knew of Kylo Ren's temper and his rages, knew to keep away when he was cutting up another piece of equipment, knew that giving Kylo Ren bad news was like a death sentence. Kylo Ren was never to be crossed, never to be angered, and those who could not escape angering him would have to take the consequences with dignity, and perhaps a minimal amount of screaming. 

The first to break this well-established, unspoken rule of the base, was FN-2187. 

* * *

 

Kylo Ren would not have known this at the time, would not have known the circumstances by which this strange Stormtrooper walked into his room, knowing full well what his news would bring--but FN-2187 was not the one who was assigned to tell Kylo Ren of that day's failure. 

The ground troops were not able to overwhelm the small outpost of the Resistance before they'd made their escape, unable to retrieve one of the many puzzle pieces they needed to find the last jedi, Kylo Ren's erstwhile failure of a teacher, Luke Skywalker.

Whomever would bring Kylo Ren the news would be lucky to come out with his life and limbs intact, and the one who had been given that particular honor was the Stormtrooper FN-2003, unkindly named Slip. A failure to deliver news of failure, Nines had said. Slip, even in full armor, looked terrified, about ready to drop on his knees and beg for death. 

FN-2187 was their team leader, one of the few who took no pleasure in the idea of one of his own being offered up like a lamb for the slaughter. So, as a leader might, he marched up in front of Captain Phasma, saluted her in good form, and said "I will deliver the report to Kylo Ren myself, ma'am. FN-2003 needs to visit the med bay to look after a minor sprain," succinctly, hoping Phasma could not hear the perpetual flinch in his voice. 

"That is not your assignment, trooper," Phasma said, and '87 could almost hear the sneer in her voice, though he pressed on anyway. 

"As 2003 is part of my team, I will take full responsibility of his duties while he recovers." 

Phasma stood there silently, and '87 hoped he sounded as sure as he didn't feel.

"Very well," she said eventually. "Advise him on what has occurred on the ground and return here immediately. Preferably in one piece, 2187." 

"Yes, ma'am," '87 said through a gulp. 

"And '87," Phasma said just as he was out the door. "You are a promising soldier, and have the makings of a good leader. But I would suggest you stop entertaining the idea that carrying the weight of the weakest in your team is good for the unit. Weakness must be weeded out. 2003 cannot rely on you forever." 

"Yes, ma'am," '87 said, defeatedly. 

* * *

 

Kylo Ren was tall. This was the absurd thought FN-2187 kept in his head as he marched into the room, saluting the man he suspected had no care for military protocol beyond soldiers following his orders. He was tall, and he was menacing, and '87 wondered if he could see through his helmet or if the visibility was worse than your average Stormtrooper's, or if the force simply allowed him to sense everything around him, and--

"Report?" the low, menacing voice demanded through the strange mask. 

"We were not able to retrieve the piece of the map before the rebels were able to make a jump into hyperspace, my lord," '87 said, succinctly, hoping that his voice had no inflection through his own mask. 

The effect was immediate--he felt a tight grip around his neck, and he held his breath as he was pinned against the wall, the toes of his boots scraping the ground. 

"So you failed," Kylo Ren said, unable to mask his shallow breathing with the calm from before. "Allowed the rebels to escape with an important piece of the map to Luke Skywalker." 

FN-2187 swallowed, willing himself to stay calm, knowing that panicking would only make the situation that much worse. He visualized a target, focused on a shot. His marks were always excellent, and he found some tranquility in hitting his targets dead on. 

"Yes, sir," he said calmly, strained from the pressure around his neck--which to his surprise, eased slightly, though he was still too high off the floor for comfort. 

"You seem strangely calm for somebody who expects to be strangled," Kylo said, his tone going from tense to interested at about the same speed it went from calm to angry. 

"I'm actually quite nervous, sir," '87 couldn't help but quip. He imagined it had something to do with the fact that the blood had rushed from his head and was only now making its way back, but he belatedly couldn't believed he'd just given Kylo kriffing Ren lip. 

"Nervous," Kylo Ren repeated, bewildered--almost amused. The force holding FN-2187 loosed, and he was on his feet once again. 

'87 took a cursory breath, standing straight again once he was sure he wouldn't fall over doing so. 

"You seem... centered, somehow," Kylo Ren continued, and '87 could almost imagine his brows knitting together in thought. "You radiate surety despite your palpable fear." 

"I'm a leader of a team, sir," FN-2187 said slowly. "I'm simply glad that I'm the one here instead of one of them." 

"Am I truly that terrifying, then?" Kylo Ren said, still sounding amused. 

"I'd think that was the effect you were going for, sir," '87 said, and  _what did he think he was doing he was so dead he was so very dead and he probably deserved it this time._

But to his surprise, he heard a breather-gruffened chuckle coming from the deep-voiced, looming dark lord. 

"Show me your face," Kylo Ren said suddenly, in a tone that FN-2187 couldn't decipher.

He followed the order that was given to him, unclasping his mask and slipping it over his head, schooling his expressions as he stood tall, trying to look all the dignified soldier Phasma wanted him to be.

He knew she'd be very proud that he didn't flinch when Kylo Ren suddenly brought a gloved hand up to stroke the side of his face, almost absently, tracing the roundness of his cheek down to his chin.

"What is your name?" Ren demanded.

 "My designation is FN-2187, sir," '87 answered. 

"Don't you have names?" Ren said impatiently, and FN-2187 figured he must have overhead Stormtroopers using each others nicknames in the mess hall. 

"We give each other names," he explained quietly. "Out of camaraderie, or if we start to show... unique traits," he said, using the same scorn Phasma used whenever she said the word. 

"And you don't..." 

"Nobody's given me a name," FN-2187 said matter-of-factly, hiding his dejectedness at the confession. 

"FN-2187," Kylo Ren said, after a short silence, as though trying out the words. "Was there anything else you wished to report?"

"No, my lord," FN-2187 said, returning to the straight-backed professionalism of First Order troopers, helmet tucked under his arm until Kylo Ren gave him leave to put it back on or dismissed him. 

It surprised him when Ren raised his hand again, fingertips brushing lightly against FN-2187's cheek before he stalked away, giving the Stormtrooper a dismissive gesture. 

He saluted, gave a bow for good measure, before walking away. Unlike if he had been choked physically, he could feel no marks on his neck that needed itching or touching, but still FN-2187 could not shake the feeling of unease--and yet welcome intrigue--that plagued him all the way back to Phasma, who seemed wholly pleased, in her own way, to see '87 relatively unharmed. 


	3. Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI guys, I forgot to mention, I've never written anything remotely related to Star Wars or got exposed to most of the expanded universe, so forgive me for not knowing the terminology. 
> 
> Also work deadlines have suddenly reared their ugly heads, so next update might come over the weekend. 
> 
> Thank you for all the amazing comments! Even if I didn't reply, they seriously make my day.

  
Slip is the first one to notice it.

"Kylo Ren's been watching," he said, brimming with nervous energy, hands gripping his blaster too hard. FN-2187 had long since given up on instructing him to ease his grip. So long as he could point it in the right direction and fire, Phasma would have no complaints.

"What?"

"Look," Slip said, motioning his helmeted head to the control center high above, the large glass window set in front of their commanders and communications officers to observe them, though it allowed any of the ground troops to see who was there at the time, if their profile was striking enough.

And Kylo Ren, with his height and black robes, was certainly striking enough to be noticed.

FN-2187 felt something sharp pierce his chest--neither unpleasant nor painful, but tangible enough, even for just a moment, for him to falter, huffing as though the air had been punched from his lungs.

"2187?" Slip said, and '87 shook the strange sensation away, focusing on Nines and Zeroes standing aside, practically oozing contempt as they looked at '87 and Slip. FN-2187 knew that Nines and Zeroes disliked him immensely (not that they were unique in that), but under Phasma's watchful eye they followed his orders, smart enough not to make trouble that would lead them to an inglorious end--the kind they often hoped to see Slip go to.

"Careful, Slip, if you kriff up in front of Kylo Ren, Phasma might finally have an excuse to dispose of you," said Zeroes, and FN-2187 stepped in front of Slip, separating the two and shielding Slip from the comments of his teammates.

FN-2187 couldn't see Zeroes' face with the mask on, but he could feel the resentment Zeroes was directing right at him, for cutting him off without having to engage him.

He could always feel things that one couldn't see in the sea of identical helmets and armor. He had no explanation for it, but it had helped him become the best shot under Phasma and made him better at handling his team, like a leader should.

"Why do you think he's watching?" Slip asked, before he suddenly stood straight, and FN-2187 found himself face-to-face (or visor-to-visor, as it were) with Captain Phasma, as he turned to see what Slip had seen.

"Return to your positions, soldiers. Kylo Ren will be descending shortly. Don't let him catch you gossiping about him," Phasma said, in a way that made her sound both threatening and amused at once--as much as their hardened captain could have a sense of humor. FN-2187 suspected her humor drifted between sadism and contempt, but at least that meant she wasn't in a bad mood.

When their looming commander swept into the training block, the troopers were engaged in exercises which varied from forms to spars, '87 himself practicing disarming techniques with Slip, while subtly and simultaneously trying to teach his fellow trooper how to hold onto his weapon with varying degrees of success.

He wasn't sure what it was about the tall people in command today, but sneaking up on him seemed to be on their agenda and it took Slip halting completely and allowing FN-2187 to snatch the unarmed blaster from his hands before he realized Kylo Ren was standing right behind him, too close to simply be observing, as he'd done with the others.

"FN-2187," he said, his tone giving all the other troopers pause. Even Phasma seemed intrigued by the development, enough that she didn't bark orders for the others to resume their exercises.

"Yes, sir," 2187 said, his grip relaxing on the blaster, his eyes wide behind his visor.

There was a moment where Kylo Ren said nothing, his head tilted ever-so-slightly, giving '87 the distinct impression Kylo Ren was surveying him.

Though for what reason, he couldn't even begin to guess.

"Walk with me," he said eventually, and FN-2187 could practically feel all the gazes lock on him, the attention of troopers from other areas of the wide grounds beginning to stir as well.

He looked to Slip, handing him back his blaster, and Slip seemed too gobsmacked to remember anything about '87's lessons about grip, looking as though he would drop it at any moment with how slack his hold was on it.

He fell into step beside the commander, dwarfed by the older man's height as they made their way out, and FN-2187 could feel a hundred or more pairs of eyes following him all the way, though only one pair was comforting enough to him--Slip, whose worry was palpable until '87 was out the door.

"You seemed very... involved in helping your teammate," Kylo Ren began, and if not for the intimidating filter of his already intimidating low voice through the mask, FN-2187 might have thought he was... unsure, somehow.

Kylo Ren seemed to straighten his back at '87's unbidden thought, as if trying to make himself look more intimidating, and FN-2187 panicked briefly, wondering if the force-user could actually hear his thoughts, though he figured if he could, he and more people he could count would be dead already. Still, he must have picked up something, so '87 tried to ease up, mulling thoughtfully over Ren's statement before answering. 

"Slip is on my team. I feel... that is, I  _am_ responsible for his success, and his failures."

"The unit is only as strong as its weakest link," Kylo Ren said, repeating the words Phasma had so often drilled into them in the past. "Weakness must be rid of, in the order." 

"I don't believe that," '87 said before he could stop himself. Still, he felt in his heart that this was what he had to say, and he had already faced down an angry Kylo Ren and lived to tell about it, he couldn't be afraid anymore. 

Kylo Ren had stopped, looking at him once more, the same way he had before, head tilted slightly, so much more than his mask would allow '87 to see. 

"You think I'm wrong, then," Kylo Ren said, and FN-2187 faltered, knowing what a mistake it was to talk back to his superiors, let alone question their authority on matters he was not supposed to have an opinion on. 

"No," Ren said suddenly. "I want you to be honest with me," he said harshly, almost... desperately? Once more Finn was floored by the idea that maybe Kylo Ren really could look into his mind. And what a horrifying thing that would be. 

"Your feelings, they broadcast... I can feel them through the force. They broadcast quite loudly," he added haltingly, answering FN-2187's unasked question. 

"I am so sorry, sir, I wasn't aware--" 

"No," Ren said sharply, cutting him off. "It is not... it's not wholly unpleasant. I simply find it strange. After the first time, when you reported to me, when I first became aware of it, I seem to notice it every time we are in proximity. Your fear, your disappointment..." He clenched his fist, then loosened it again. "Your pride in your team. Your joy at success. Your... isolation." 

FN-2187 had nothing to say to that, couldn't bring a single word to mind as he processed what the man had just revealed to him. 

"Is that... normal?" he said, not knowing how to phrase his question. 

"Only those strong in the force could be so attuned to it, could broadcast themselves so strongly," Kylo Ren said, speaking as though remembering someone else's lesson. "With enough concentration, I can feel others, even read their minds if I so chose. But with you, I simply feel it. I feel when you are happy, which is more often than I would expect for somebody without a name or connection." 

'87 bit back a scathing remark, sure that his irritation was felt through the force, however that was supposed to work. To his surprise, Kylo Ren chuckled. 

They were alone in the hall they had reached, one that was not frequently visited by anybody lower than a certain station, and most of the commanders and high ranking officers were attending to daily duties. 

"This isn't altruism," Kylo Ren said, and FN-2187 tried not to feel too disappointed. He thought, with some lightness in his heart, that the ease with which Kylo Ren was speaking to him was a freely given kindness. "It is selfish, for me, but I want to make you happy. Because I feel it when you are. It's hard to feel... to feel angry when I'm met with that." 

'87 blushed, glad that his helmet hid the wide-eyed expression he must have pulled. His pulse jumped in surprise at the man's words, and Kylo Ren nodded down. 

"Take off your helmet," he said, like the first time. FN-2187 followed the order, also like the first time, his features relaxing as he looked up at the mask, wondering what Kylo Ren saw when he looked at his face with the intensity he could feel even through the visor. 

But then Kylo Ren reached for the clasps of his own mask, and with the hiss of the breathing apparatus being disengaged, the force-user drew the helmet away from his own head, releasing a tumble of jet black curls and revealing a face that made '87 breathe in sharply despite himself. 

He was  _beautiful,_ his face unmarred and smooth and strangely young-looking and nothing like FN-2187 expected in all the times he and the others had tried to visualize the face of the man who was terrifying in so many ways, raw power and anger, clothed in full black and standing taller and more frightening than most of the men and women on base.

 But, '87 realized, he wasn't angry now. Nor was he frightening, not in the way that he had been. 

FN-2187 relaxed, shivering a bit when Kylo Ren raised his hand to touch his own dark, sweating face again, before making to remove his glove. The touch returned, cold but not harsh, pale against '87's cheek, and the younger man didn't dare look up, didn't dare look at Ren's eyes now that he could finally see them. 

Something shifted, '87 knew. 

This was a change, though he wasn't Kylo Ren, he wasn't their supreme leader, despite his apparent touching upon the force. 

He couldn't see into the future. 

He couldn't know what would happen. 

But even that couldn't stop him from feeling calm in the face (the real, visible face) of Kylo Ren's kindness--kindness, no matter how much he insisted it was selfishness. 

At that moment, FN-2187 felt at ease. 


	4. In the Gray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin's force ghost helps Ren get some

When Phasma told FN-2187 in no uncertain terms that he was to leave Slip to his own devices, '87 stood tall and straight, nodded briefly, and followed orders like a good soldier. 

Unfortunately, though Phasma could not see it, he could not explain away the heaviness in his heart when Kylo Ren passed him by in the hall that very same week, and unceremoniously dragged him into a room after bumping into him, sending two other patrolling troopers not-so-casually walking in the other direction to avoid getting the same treatment from Kylo Ren's temper. 

"What's wrong?" Ren demanded, as though FN-2187 had done some grievous crime and he was about to be punished. But he must have realized what he sounded like right then, and slid his gloved hands over his shoulders then down to his arms before taking a deep breath and revising his question. 

"You seem... weary, somehow. Heavy. What's happened?" he said gently, in a voice that seemed unused to gentleness. 

"Phasma told me I can't help Slip anymore. I mean, I'm following orders and I know that Phasma knows best as our captain, but it just feels... wrong." 

"This... Slip. You care about him?" Kylo Ren asked haltingly, his grip still on '87's arms. 

"He's... he's part of the team, and he's kind of been like a brother to me. A clueless little brother who I don't like half he time, but he's a worthwhile trooper. He just needs a little more time to learn and catch up than everybody else, he's not useless." 

"You are very compassionate," Ren observed. 

"Phasma doesn't like it," '87 said dejectedly. 

"Why?" 

"Well for one thing I apparently can't do my best when I'm looking after somebody else, and--" 

"No," Ren interrupted. "Why are you compassionate?" 

FN-2187 startled, looking down in deep thought. He couldn't quite figure it, he had never been asked this question before. 

"I don't know, I just... I guess it just feels right. Like... like the right thing to do." 

Kylo Ren was suspiciously quiet, and FN-2187 found himself shifting from foot to foot nervously. He tried to get a sense of Ren, but unlike with the other troopers he couldn't really feel for his general mood--there was always a casting of darkness surrounding the man, and if he was right about FN-2187 having the same sensitivity to what was apparently the force broadcasting people's emotions, then maybe he was simply hiding his own. 

"Some people don't deserve such compassion," Kylo Ren said suddenly. 

FN-2187 shrugged, smiling ruefully under his helmet. 

"It wouldn't be compassion if I suddenly decided to pick and choose who gets it, sir," he said, getting used to the honesty Kylo Ren had demanded of him before. 

Even with the mask on he could feel the sudden intensity of Ren's gaze on him, as though he'd never seen anything like '87 before, and he strode out of the room before the trooper could blink, leaving him alone and baffled as to what had just passed. 

 

 

"Please. _Please_ , tell me what I must do. I feel split open, torn--the joy and goodness of the light is clawing at me from the outside. I need your guidance," Kylo Ren whispered into the empty room, save for a soulless, burnt shell of a helmet. 

"What must I do? The pull of the light is so strong, what must I--"

_Take it._

Kylo Ren started, falling nearly off his own bed. There was nothing--nothing there but cold and dark, but when he looked at the mask it was as though the echoes of the words he heard were still resonating within. 

_Accept it. Accept the light. You will be stronger than anything, in the gray._

Kylo Ren looked up, eyes wide, as the dim flicker of a man came into his vision, scarred but still handsome, tall, imposing. Unfamiliar, and yet...

"Who are you?" he whispered, and the dim, glowing figure smiled a small, knowing smile as he looked down at the burnt husk in front of him. 

His force signature, Kylo saw now, was dark, but showered in light, a beautiful miasma, like the numerous stars and nebulae in space.

 _The gray is stronger than the light or the dark,_ he heard whisper. 

_Will you accept it?_

 

FN-2187 was at the end of his rope. Slip was desperate, struggling, and when he looked to '87 for guidance and found none, resentful. 

FN-2187 would not disobey orders, but every time Slip failed, every time he was hurt, every time he couldn't be helped, it hurt '87 from the pit of his stomach right up to his throat, the heaviness in his chest unabating. 

When he passed Kylo Ren in the halls, he looked down, as though he could hide how he felt if he didn't acknowledge the man as anything but a superior, but he knew the heaviness in his heart probably broadcasted clear as day to the powerful force-user. He wondered if he could get Ren to teach him how to shroud it the way he did, but he figured the only one who could actually feel how he felt (literally) wouldn't be eager to teach him, given the way he described '87's happiness. 

One day, when FN-2187 was making his way back to his quarters, feeling miserable from the day's sparring session and Slip's injuries, he found himself face to face with Ren (face to neck, really, with his height) alone, standing in front of his dorm as if waiting for him. 

He nodded for '87 to follow him out and away, to a place where they could be alone again, and FN-2187 wondered briefly if anybody had noticed his frequent absences in the presence of Kylo Ren and if they had any opinions--especially inappropriate ones--about it. 

He wondered if it mattered. It wasn't as though anybody would particularly care, he was already Phasma's favorite and nobody liked him, why not Kylo Ren's as well. 

If he could blush at the idea of being Kylo Ren's favorite...

When they arrived at the room, Ren immediately (to '87's surprise) removed his helmet, and looking at him now, he seemed... lighter somehow. More open. His brows were tight with concern, and '87 lifted his own helmet, his own brows knitted in confusion. 

"Slip?" was all Kylo Ren said, and FN-2187 nodded. 

"You're miserable," the taller man added, moving to lay his helmet down on the empty conference room table.

"I'm sorry if my mood has been affecting you," '87 began. 

"FN-2187," Kylo Ren said softly, shutting the trooper up immediately. "You don't know what you've done." 

"Sir, no! Oh go--please, I swear I won't do it again, whatever I did wrong, please--"

Immediately, '87 went on defensive, terrified and prepared to be force choked into a wall or something equally painful, when Ren's hands came up to his shoulders and shook him gently, if a bit urgently, saying "No!" and then pulling '87 to him and--

Cold lips pressed against his softly, but firmly, and '87's mind couldn't process it, couldn't register what was happening because there was just no way Kylo Ren, knight of Ren, the most terrifying man onboard the Finalizer, was  _kissing him_ like he was something precious, gently and sweetly and--

"Could you--" '87 murmured when he pulled away, and he looked surprised that that was the first thing '87 said, and apparently that his reaction was so subdued. 

"I can... sometimes other people's feelings, I get them, but you..." 

Understanding dawned on Ren's face. "My shields," he said, before FN-2187 felt the full force of awe and attraction and the curling of lust, as well as the tiny, almost imperceptible feeling of love hiding behind affection, all coming from Kylo Ren. 

If he had felt this sooner, he wouldn't have been so afraid. 

 


	5. Gossip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which not even the officers are above trading scandalous news

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally owed you guys a chapter. And porn. The second of which you'll be getting soon, hopefully (at least, within the next chapter or two).

The one thing Stormtroopers were good at, beyond fighting and following orders and dying for the glory of the First Order--was gossip.

That was something even FN-2187, the outsider, the unnamed, ignored and/or disliked, could pick up on, primarily because whenever somebody had a story to share, they'd take any excuse to share it, especially if it was particularly juicy and it needed to be spread around enough that it couldn't be tracked to its source.

Whenever some particularly scandalous gossip was in circulation (affairs between officers, usually, although royal screwups by soldiers were also a popular theme), even FN-2187 found himself leaning over the lunch tables being whispered to by fellow soldiers, about this or that officer doing so and so in so and so's quarters or in the medbay or wherever such things happened, far away from prying eyes but never far enough from the rumor mill.

So FN-2187 knew something was up when he saw white-helmeted heads leaning close enough in a familiar whispering gesture whenever he passed by, but whenever he turned his head in their direction they'd stop immediately, looking at him through the visor, almost certainly identifying him by his flashing designation on their screens.

As soon as he sat at the table, Zeroes and Nines leaned in immediately, their elbows thumping harshly on the table.

"Is it true?" Nines demanded immediately. Zeroes looked intently at '87, as though he could assess something behind the helmet, which they had yet to take off for the meal, as per their captain's orders.

"Uh--what? Is what true?" FN-2187 asked carefully, flinching in preparation for the bombardment he felt he was about to receive.

"Are you Kylo Ren's _favorite?"_ Zeroes asked, just as they were given permission to take off their helmets. FN-2187 shrank in the presence of three pairs of eyes on him, looking at him like they'd never seen him before, eyes wide in anticipation.

FN-2187's breath hitched at the question.

In the First Order, in a sea of ranks and order, there were favorites, and then there were _favorites,_ a distinction that living among thousands of troops had hammered out early on. FN-2187 was, for example, Phasma's favorite, as a competent trooper who could shoot well. Nines was the weapons master's favorite, having a good eye and hand for close combat with his favorite tool, the vibro-axe, able to cut down most opponents easily.

But that wasn't what they were asking.

 _Favorites_ were like FM-2800, who'd been called Fama for a few years now, who FN-2187 knew was beautiful with bright, intelligent eyes and perfect lips, who was the _favorite_ of one of the higher ranking officers under General Hux, who was called increasingly often out of training, her smug aura hitting '87 all the way out the door.

 _Favorites_ were like FO-2999, Onan, who was assigned to accompany Lieutenant Rodinon on inspections of the base, standing much closer than was standard and on the receiving end of many unusually tender looks from the fair-faced officer.

And now they were asking him if he was a _favorite_ as well, with all that implied, with all the lewd implications Fama so enjoyed speaking of in sometimes obscene detail, with Onan never once denying her claims when he himself was asked, with the strangely charged excitement among troopers of the gossip which came with the scandal of First Order _favoritism._

And the thing was, FN-2187 didn't know.

He didn't know what he was, or how far Kylo Ren's affection for him even went. He didn't know if, by virtue of being kissed by the man once or twice, he was a _favorite_ the way Fama and Onan were. He couldn't even ask them, else he confirm for all those curious exactly what his position was.

"Come on, FN-2187," Nines said impatiently, pale skin looking flushed with anticipation and irritation.

"I don't know," FN-2187 blurted out.

"What do you mean you don't know?" Nines demanded, and Zeroes put a hand on his arm to calm him down before he raised his voice enough to alert the captain of his behavior.

"I haven't--it's not like--nothing's happened, okay?" FN-2187 whispered urgently, making the others lean close. "He says I... he says my company's pleasant," he sighed finally, watching the expected looks of incredulity make an appearance on his team's faces.

"Of all people to actually like your company, it had to be Kylo Ren," Nines said, sounding half impressed and half disbelieving. FN-2187 didn't comment on the fact that none of them seemed to feel the same. Slip looked a bit doleful though, at Nines' words.

"Shame. Reedy, FR-2565 from the FR division, she's been asking you what he's like in the sack," Nines eventually said, smirking.

FN-2187 frowned, deep enough that it got Zeroes to punch Nines in the armored arm.

"He's not hurting you, is he?" Slip's quiet voice asked from beside FN-2187.

"No," FN-2187 said gently. "Like I said, nothing's happened." Not entirely true, but there were just some things he wanted to keep sacred for a little while longer before somebody else figured out exactly what had transpired between them--and possibly what would in the future.

And didn't that thought send shivers down his spine?

 

* * *

 

 

"It seems that Ren has taken a liking to one of your officers," General Hux remarked.

"FN-2187. A promising trooper, but with a significant defect that must be addressed before he's cleared for the field," Captain Phasma stated.

"And what significant defect would that be, Captain?"

Captain Phasma sighed inwardly, giving no outward appearance of a reaction.

"He feels too strongly for his comrades."

"One would argue that loyalty is a trait we must laud in our soldiers," Hux pointed out.

"Yes, but his borders on excessively kind, on empathetic. He would jeopardize missions for the sake of his soldiers. He does not register the concept of cutting out the weak, and he coddles his own troopers too much," Phasma explained.

"I see. Well I trust that, with your many successes, you will be able to train that out of him, Captain," said Hux thoughtfully. "I'm more interested in which aspect of this... FN-2187 has captured Ren's attention. Favoritism is common enough among officers, but Ren seems to actively rebel against personal connection, and he terrifies nearly every soldier, if not all of them, on this base. It baffles me that he'd take a liking to anybody at all."

"As I said, sir, FN-2187 is a promising trooper," Captain Phasma said, though her next words were unusually cautious as she spoke them, haltingly, "And Kylo Ren is not known for his... gentle touch. I... am concerned for the wellbeing of one of my finest troopers, I'm sure you understand."

"Has 2187 approached you with any concerns with regards to that matter, Captain?" General Hux questioned.

"No, sir."

Hux bit back a sigh, nodding meaningfully. "We shall observe in the meantime. So long as FN-2187's performance and morale are not affected, we can at least safely conclude that Kylo Ren's destructiveness does not extend to the bedroom."

Phasma shifted uncomfortably, and though Hux could not see her face through the visor, he could almost picture her grimace clearly in his mind.

 

* * *

 

"They're talking about me. About... well, us, I guess?" FN-2187 said when he was accompanying Kylo Ren on some routine checks (which he realized were just some roundabout way to have the people on base be reminded of Snoke's influence, especially since he could feel Kylo Ren's lack of interest, much easier now with what the force user called his  _shields_ down, the clarity of his emotions bringing FN-2187 peace of mind. 

Where once he worried about setting Ren off, now he could feel Ren's irritation, and how it seemed to die out when FN-2187 fell into step next to him, feel the warmth of some kind of affection '87 couldn't quite distinguish yet, many emotions too similar to pin them down. 

Sometimes he'd feel a sharp heat and notice Kylo Ren's visor angled enough that he was almost sure the man was staring at him, and feel himself flush under his armor. 

"They're wondering if I'm... if I'm your..." 

"My...?" Kylo Ren said, his tone sounding more intense than the question should have warranted. FN-2187 tried not to take notice of the heat prodding at the edge of his senses, took a breath and blurted out, "If I'm your  _favorite._ " 

He didn't even have to feel for Kylo Ren's emotions to know he was confused, stopping mid-stride and tilting his head almost comically. 

FN-2187 realized belatedly that Kylo Ren might not be privy to the slang bandied around by troopers and officers, and explained, "Like, ah... FO-2999, that is, Onan, with Lieutenant Rodinon." 

Kylo Ren nodded in understanding, slowly, as if processing the information, and '87 wished he could see his face in that moment, wished it more often than not now, because emotions felt through the force were one thing, but the faces of people who spent their days behind masks were very rarely dishonest. 

"I should like to think so," Kylo Ren said roughly, quietly, and FN-2187 suddenly felt quite a bit hotter than he should under his suit, his traitorous mind reminding him of what he felt when Ren had framed his face with both hands, large enough for his fingers to brush the back of '87's neck, as he opened his mouth to his ministrations, the first touch of their tongues--" 

Kylo Ren chuckled, though it sounded a bit choked. 

"I felt that," he murmured, and FN-2187 would have been mortified (and a little terrified) if he wasn't feeling so uncomfortably aroused. 

He realized right then that he wasn't the only one who was, either. 

"My quarters," Kylo Ren then said, and FN-2187 held his breath, "later." 

He left '87 standing there dumbly, even as he said, sounding amused yet breathless, "If they're already talking, we might as well meet their expectations." 


	6. Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love and all its issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be smut, and then it became not-smut, and I'm so so sorry but I take forever to write smut so that'll have to come later
> 
> Also I kind of just got off finishing and selling a comic which I was hurrying down to the last minute so I got busy, so sorry for the delay! After this chapter, things are gonna start changing and getting exciting, because we need Finn to get his name and for drama to happen. This is still way too serious to be crack but way too weird to be an actual serious fic, so...
> 
> Enjoy?

  
  
  
FN-2187 could admit that he had been off all day, though his apparently heightened sense of the world around him and muscle memory kept him from slipping up in training and in his tasks. He was slow to respond when people spoke to him, except when officers were giving him orders.

He wasn't exactly trying to hide it--hiding it would imply some modicum of awareness, in which FN-2187 was in short supply--but it was still a shock when Phasma ordered him aside.

"FN-2187," she said tonelessly, though '87 could feel her concern, odd but not alien, as FN-2187 knew from long years in her service that Phasma had a genuine concern for the troopers, even if she was a harsh taskmaster and a strict leader.

"You have been distracted all day, and it is a danger to your fellows if you remain so and do not continue to perform your tasks adequately. What is it that has your attention?" she said in clipped tones.

"Nothing, ma'am," FN-2187 responded automatically.

"Do not lie to me, '87. That is insubordination."

'87 sighed.

"... Kylo Ren, ma'am. I am, ah, simply... distracted by the... additional tasks set for me under Kylo Ren," FN-2187 said, flinching under his helmet and trying not to sound to incriminating.

Phasma was silent for a moment, and FN-2187 thought she'd bought it, but then she said, "If he is harming you, FN-2187..."

"No! No, ma'am, no," FN-2187 said quickly. "He's not. I swear, he... It's not like that."

"I am not unaware of the state of my troopers, FN-2187, and I am certainly not unaware of Kylo Ren's interest in you. I have no issue with it if you continue to perform adequately and if you are able to serve the First Order to the best of your ability, but if his attentions are causing you distraction and slowing your progress, I will put in a word to the General to lessen your interactions, or to assign you to another squadron."

"Captain," FN-2187 said when she was done. "I'm doing fine. Kylo Ren is... I can pay more attention, I promise this will not happen again."

Phasma shook her head, but said, "It had better not, FN-2187," and walked away without another word.

 

* * *

 

The one comfort FN-2187 had was that it wasn't unusual to see a trooper moving around the halls to the officers' quarters at night--most of them were on guard duty, making their rounds.

Still, he did his best to side step every passing patrol just to reach Kylo Ren's room--on the farther side, possibly one of the best rooms in the Finalizer, before knocking on the door.

He had no idea what the protocol was for a late night rendezvous with a superior officer (maybe he should have asked Fama, but he didn't trust her big mouth not to blab it all even before the deed was done and embarrass FN-2187 right out of the nearest airlock) but when the doors slid open, he didn't hesitate for long, entering Kylo Ren's quarters in slow but deliberate steps.

He found the man sitting on the bed, sleeping shift dark but loose, and FN-2187 removed his helmet immediately, feeling uncomfortably overdressed.

Belatedly he realized that he hadn't waited for an order, silently cursing himself before realizing that the man on the bed hadn't yet moved, his head stooped, face hidden by a curtain of black curls.

It only occurred to FN-2187 then that he felt nothing, in this vacuum of a room so far away from the masses of people he was surrounded by everyday.

It was jarring, '87 only just getting used to the soft touch of Kylo Ren's emotions whenever they brushed past each other or walked together. Though it was his duty to accompany a superior, it had felt like an extension of the resting periods they were given as troopers, Kylo Ren's presence soothing and the press of his warmer emotions deliberate against FN-2187's mind when he was wired with tension.

He had his shields up, and FN-2187 couldn't fathom why, until he was standing in front of Kylo Ren's stooped form. His hand still gloved, he reached out and carefully tucked his hair behind one ear, startling Kylo Ren out of whatever reverie he'd been in, his emotions opening to FN-2187 like a flood from a broken dam, shattering the eerie silence of the room with an overwhelming roil of love, affection, relief, fear, and dread, and a helplessness that made FN-2187's heart clench as Kylo Ren pressed his forehead against his stomach, against the hard, cool armor he hadn't yet divested himself of.

"What happened?" FN-2187 ventured to ask, gloved hand coming up to stroke Kylo Ren's hair.

"Snoke," Kylo Ren said, his voice hoarse, before quickly adding, "it's nothing," and looking up with an expression of frustration.  
"Take this off," he said, almost huffed, and FN-2187 couldn't help the affectionate smile (a bit of a smirk, really) that stretched his face as he did, methodically unclasping each part of the armor until he was down in his blacks, before Kylo Ren hooked fingers over the waistband of his pants and said, in a low tone that sent a shock of something hot down '87's back, "And these."

FN-2187 hesitated for only a moment, and Kylo Ren looked up at him, saying quietly, "I want to see you," and that prompted the trooper to lift his shirt, bringing it over his head and not at all squeaking in surprise when he felt Kylo Ren press his face into his stomach again, this time against firm but soft skin.

"... These?" '87 repeated, a bit dry-mouthed, his thumbs hooking under his waistband. Ren nodded, nose and lips tickling the soft of FN-2187's stomach, and FN-2187 followed the gesture, murmuring "You too," just as he eased the cloth down. He shucked the pants off, leaving him in nothing but the last piddling vestige of modesty.

FN-2187 yelped as he felt his body jerked to the side by the Force, landing with an "oof" on the soft bed (he was struck briefly by a pang of envy at the comfort of a superior's quarters), gasping as Kylo Ren moved over him, quick as anything, long limbs giving Finn the impression of some deadly predator stalking his prey as he crawled over the trooper until they were at eye level.

'87 watched as Kylo Ren's hooded eyes focused on his lips, but when he moved down, instead of the kiss FN-2187 was expecting, Ren bent low enough to lick a long, deliberate stripe up one of his pecs, tongue dragging hard against one nipple and flicking, and '87 gasped, crying out and moaning as Kylo Ren trapped the nipple gently between his teeth and rolled it with deliberate strokes with the tip of his tongue.

"Ha...ah--" FN-2187 jerked his head back against the soft pillows, walled in on one side with the luxurious comfort of the bed and on the other with the torturous pleasure Ren was subjecting him to, mouth switching to the other nipple as he cupped '87 through the smooth material of the last of his clothing, rubbing hot shapes into his skin with his fingertips.

Kylo Ren looked up, giving a wry smirk at the sounds he was making, before settling back on his knees and pulling his shift over his head, revealing the pale, scarred skin that had all this time been hidden beneath the cloth.

He laid a palm flat out over FN-2187's unmarked chest, looking in wonderment, and '87 could see it too, the contrast of milky pale against dark in the stark light of the room.

FN-2187 placed his own hand over Ren's and felt for their connection, the one he'd been to cherish in his mind, feeling the constant fear creeping in from the edges of Ren's mind corrupting the affection and pleasure they'd been trading back and forth.

"What's wrong?" he murmured. Kylo Ren leaned down and kissed his under his collarbone.

"You make me weak," the older man said, but it did not sound like the accusation FN-2187 thought it should be.

"I had to hide your face from him. I had to hide you away, or else Snoke would have taken you from me. He wants me angry, wants me strong. The Dark Side is anger, fear, hatred, a power that burns like a star, and I feel none of these when I'm with you."

Kylo Ren pressed his face into FN-2187's neck, a soft, vulnerable action that had the trooper's arms sliding around the other man's shoulders. It might have seemed ridiculous for '87, both younger and smaller than Kylo Ren, to want to protect the man he felt such affection for, but that was all he wanted to do in that moment--protect him from Snoke, from the fear that emanated from him in waves, the desperation lacing his quiet words.

Ever since Kylo Ren had taken his helmet off and FN-2187 had heard his voice for the first time, he wondered how it could be that one of the most terrifying beings in all of the galaxy could be such a quiet, sweet-voiced man, like a child grown too fast, underneath the black and metal of his armor.

Now, with Kylo Ren in his arms, breathing against his skin and curling in on himself, FN-2187 wondered what Supreme Leader--no, what Snoke did to make such a beautiful man so strong and so afraid all at once.

Irrationally, FN-2187 felt anger surge in him at the thought.

Irrationally because what could he, a mere stormtrooper, an expendable soldier even among expendable soldiers, do against the dark, long-lived leader of the First Order?

Nothing. Nothing at all. In fact, if Ren hadn't hidden him, if he'd been deemed too much of a distraction, or even a threat, to Kylo Ren and his convictions, all Snoke would have to do is have him put down, forgotten and replaced.

Nobody would miss him. Nobody but the man in his arms, FN-2187 thought, and that was the worst thing about all of this.

Kylo Ren, the powerful, awe-inspiring and terrifying Kylo Ren, was afraid for him.

It was the first time FN-2187 kissed Ren and not the other way around, and he only realized it halfway down when he'd pulled the man up to meet him, pressing lips sweetly against cold ones. Always, always he'd responded, he had become well practiced in the time spent with Kylo Ren's amorous affections, but initiating, leading, it was new to him, and he found that he liked the way Ren shifted against him, between his legs, molding pliantly to his body.

Ren smiled at him when they parted, nipping playfully at his chin before settling against him, tucking his head under 87's own.

The confession had dampened the fire that they'd probably both felt when FN-2187 entered the room, but in a way, this was better. There was peace in this, as though with the two of them wrapped around each other, nothing could hurt them.

"I'm afraid for you," Kylo Ren murmured softly.

"Don't be," FN-2187 replied.

"I love you," Kylo Ren said, and FN-2187 looked down, eyes wide. Ren smiled thinly, the little humor in it cracking as he said, "That's why I'm afraid for you. I don't know how long I can hide that. I don't know how long I can hide you. And Snoke may look down on the jedi, but just as they did, love is something he will not abide by in his knights."

"I... I mean, for you I--"

"Sh," Ren interrupted, running a finger over his lips. "You don't need to say it if you aren't sure," he said, and he was right--FN-2187 hadn't even considered, hadn't thought... he knew Ren cared for him, knew he had affection for him, but love was as foreign a concept to Stormtroopers as the idea of rebellion, of chaos and all the things the First Order fought against.

Love was... well, it was unfamiliar, in the very least. New, unexplored territory that FN-2187 could not decide on just yet.

So instead of answering, he simply placed a kiss on Kylo Ren's hairline, under the curls, and said, "Thank you," instead. Because even if he didn't understand love yet, he knew the gravity of it, and of the terror Kylo Ren felt if Snoke ever found out he felt it.

He knew it had to be more important than he could imagine, if it was so dangerous.

"I need to keep you safe," Ren said, more to himself than to FN-2187, though he responded anyway.

"How?" he asked softly.

To that, even Kylo Ren had no answer.


	7. Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Finn understands the extent of Ren's love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO SORRY THIS TOOK A WHILE GUYS. The next chapter will be just a tad longer than the others, it'll have all the important events and such, a teensy bit of Finn and Poe action because I'm weak for those two (but don't worry, endgame's still Finnlo). This was meant to be a short fic and I don't want to end up not finishing it, so from here the action and events will move fast. This is kind of just a teaser for what happens, which is why it's super short, I didn't want to leave you guys hanging
> 
> Also last weekend I was barely home long enough to get any writing done, hope you forgive me and my horrible, horrible schedule and lack of time. 
> 
> See you next chapter!

 

After that, FN-2187 pushed himself in training, working harder, trying to be the perfect soldier for the Order. He wanted to show in what little way he could that the love Kylo Ren had for him was not a burden to the First Order. He suggested lessening their contact, at least where everybody could see, and Kylo Ren (very reluctantly, FN-2187 could almost hear the pout in his voice) agreed, on the condition that FN-2187 came to his room once every standard week.

Nines had once made a joke about how Kylo Ren must have been getting tired of him, finally, but '87 gave back as good as he got this time, telling Nines that Kylo Ren liked to deprive himself, long enough that each meeting was that much more intense.

Zeroes seemed begrudgingly impressed, Nines disgusted but eager to share that little tidbit with curious gossip-mongers, and Slip...

Slip always seemed to want to say something, but never did. His aura was confused, a bit frustrated, and FN-2187 knew that if he simply trained hard enough and tried to reach out, he might be able to go into his mind the way Kylo Ren did with others--like prisoners, and particularly reticent or incompetent officers.

But he didn't. He didn't want to, couldn't do that to Slip. Ren didn't even do it to him, stating that he didn't want to invade FN-2187's mind in such a painful way (as he'd never learned the art of subtlety when it came to using the force on the mind), and FN-2187 didn't think he wanted to risk harming one of the few (if not the only) friends he had.

One night, Slip finally broke.

"What does he do to you?" he whispered. "You said he's rough, that he likes to dominate you."

And yes, FN-2187 did say that. It didn't conflict with what everybody already seemed to think of Kylo Ren, and it seemed so much better if people didn't know of the genuine affection between them.

'87 eyed Zeroes and Nines in their bunk before whispering, "He doesn't."

"But you said--"

"I lied."

"So..."

"He doesn't hurt me, Slip," FN-2187 said. "He actually... He's kind to me. Likes me in a way nobody here does. I lied because if anybody knew, they might think less of him. He's dangerous, to be sure. A little... affection doesn't change that."

"You're afraid to let them think he's weak," Slip said knowingly.

"He isn't weak," FN-2187 said strongly. "But yeah, I am. I don't want them to see him as weak."

"And when has that ever worked out for you?" Slip said pointedly, tone dry as a desert planet.

 

* * *

 

 

They hadn't yet done anything beyond intimate touches, kisses and embraces, not to the extent that FN-2187 had expected when Kylo Ren first invited him to his quarters.

When FN-2187 stripped down completely for the first time, Kylo Ren looked hungry, longing, running a hand down his stomach but moving to his flank at the last moment, stroking his hip.

FN-2187 might have been disappointed, but he hardly ever was, with Ren.

Kylo Ren seemed to think he was beautiful (strange, because Ren himself was stunning, with his gentle face and black curls), murmured it into his skin as he kissed his way down familiar paths.

Sometimes he'd have '87 turn on his back and he'd give his rapt attention to the solid line of '87's back, large hands cupping the lower curve of his backside (one of his favorite things about the trooper, he'd confessed once, the two of them holding back laughter as he squeezed), kissing his neck, between his shoulderblades, nipping at each buttock but never once venturing between.

He seemed to be holding himself back, though there was no restraint when it came to the rest of FN-2187's body, as though he was cataloging every inch, as though he was in danger of forgetting it. 

It was all made clear one night when his warmth and his joy hummed low, and Kylo Ren said to him, voice wavering, "You need to go." 

FN-2187's eyes widened, because while he did have to leave to return to his barracks as he always did, this was the first time Ren had ever told him to, or for that matter, ever wanted him to. 

He tried not to be too disappointed. 

"Oh, of course, I--" 

But when he moved to get out of bed, the grip Kylo Ren had around his waist tightened. 

"No," Ren said suddenly. 

"Ren, what--" 

"I meant... you have to leave The Finalizer. Leave the First Order." 

FN-2187's blood ran so cold he thought Ren might have felt it, or maybe it was simply the sudden drop of his heart to his stomach, the crash of cold, roiling fear that must have broadcasted so loud that the next thing '87 knew, Ren had pushed him down and pressed a hard kiss to his temple, then softer, gentler ones over his face, whispering assurances and apologies, sounding desperate even in his whispers. 

"But that's--they'd kill me, it's... it's treason, I can't--Ren how could you--"

Only when Kylo Ren's hand rubbed circles into his chest did he realize he was having trouble breathing, and he closed his eyes and focused on slowing his breaths to match Kylo Ren's. 

"You're too good for them," Kylo Ren whispered when he was calm again. "Too good. No trooper I know has the compassion and warmth that you do. No one has the heart that you do, and that heart won't survive here. One day, they will either give you an order that will break you, or make you do something you could never do, and then punish you for that failure. And I can't let that happen, I can't lose you." 

"But if I go... you  _will_ lose me," FN-2187 said in a quiet voice. 

Ren looked devastated, but then he was smiling through that pain, bringing FN-2187's hand to his heart and keeping it there. 

"I will always be able to find you in the Force. Your heart, your warmth, they'll sing to me even from the farthest reaches of space. As long as you're safe. As long as you're alive. It doesn't matter what I have to sacrifice."

"I would be betraying the First Order," FN-2187 continued, though he knew Kylo Ren was right. He'd known for a long time, but never had the guts to admit it. 

"No,  **I** would be," Ren corrected. "I love you so much, '87," he continued. "I would do anything to protect you. I would see Starkiller burn, see the First Order fall, see Snoke dead, before I let anybody hurt you." 

FN-2187 gasped as he felt the truth of those words, something warm and encompassing as the love Ren felt for him, but it was wrapped in something dark and searingly hot, something that frightened him in its intensity, but that comforted him in its genuineness. 

He caught Ren's head between his hands and pressed their faces close, foreheads together, noses bumping, and lips brushing when FN-2187 murmured, "How do I--how will I do it?" 

"I don't know yet," Ren said, a bit frustrated, but also relieved that FN-2187 was willing. "We'll figure it out." 

FN-2187 grinned, a gentle smile full of teeth that had Ren kissing him once more. 

He trusted Kylo Ren. He cared about him. He might have loved him, but he still wasn't sure.

As with most things in their life, they would figure it out. 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Finn makes a friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep thinking this should be longer but I've tortured you guys long enough. Exciting things happening from here. Figuring out how far from canon this is gonna get to lead up to the first chapter. Thanks for everything, everybody!

The deployment on Jakku broke the tenuous and compromising peace they'd achieved on the Finalizer.

"Our spies have tracked the Resistance pilot, Poe Dameron, to that place. He's set up a meeting with Lor San Tekka, an old friend of my--of Luke Skywalker's."

FN-2187 nodded, shifting in Ren's grip. They had to wait for the go-ahead from their spies, and Ren had taken him aside simply to hold him, somewhere private (but not in Ren's chambers, the two of them huddled together in a corner, holding each other up) but close enough to respond when the call came.

Instead of addressing the issue of the Resistance pilot, FN-2187 asked, "Did you know him? When you were young?"

Ren seemed to hesitate for a moment before eventually responding, "Yes. The old man knew my uncle well, when I was training under him to become a jedi. I looked up to him. He was kind to me."

"What will happen when you confront him?"

"I don't know. He'll be reticent, to be sure," Kylo Ren said, sounding disgusted.

"Don't be angry," FN-2187 whispered. Ren tensed for a moment before planting a brief, but firm kiss on '87's forehead.

"You'll be there," was all Kylo Ren said in response, and FN-2187 understood, feeding warmth and trust into their bond.

 

Jakku was a disaster. FN-2187 lost Slip, feeling the last slivers of fear ebb away, replaced with comfort, the startlingly strong need to care for '87 the way '87 had cared for him, strong through the bond as he tried to put his hand on '87's face to assure him it would be alright--before even that was gone, snuffed out in an impossibly small moment, too small for the enormity of the event.

After that, everything was a blur of pain, of loss and anger.

He couldn't breathe, couldn't comply when Phasma ordered all the villagers shot, whatever few of them had failed to escape.

Kylo Ren had spared Lor San Tekka of his wrath, only for the old man to be executed with the rest of them. Two or three dozen Resistance sympathizers, dead.

Slip, FN-2003, dead.

FN-2187 couldn't breathe.

He saw Kylo Ren from across the charred, burning battlefield and couldn't even feel comforted. The last thing FN-2187 said to Kylo Ren, through their bond in the muted, dead Jakku night, was "I'm sorry."

 

Some time later, the stormtrooper FN-2187 helped the prisoner Poe Dameron escape, and was branded a traitor.

Kylo Ren, even in the reveal of his favorite's rebellion, was strangely calm. No threats, no anger, no broken consoles or dead soldiers.

No, he was silent, but for when he responded to questions and gave out orders, calm even when General Hux attempted to goad him. His emotions were cold, shielded strong before Snoke himself.

Cold, dark, unfeeling.

That was what most saw. That was what most knew.

And somehow, it was all the worse than when Kylo Ren was angry. At least they knew what to expect when he was angry.

They didn't know what to do with this.

 

"I want to go on record here and say that going back to Jakku was a terrible idea," Finn huffed as he pulled Poe Dameron onto his feet.

Finn--he was Finn, now, he had a name, and it was his, and he couldn't get over that. He was annoyed, certainly, but he found he couldn't stay annoyed for too long at the man with a rakish smile and easy humor, who'd trusted him quickly and given him a name within minutes of meeting him when other troopers who'd known him all their lives couldn't even be bothered.

"So you've said the last twelve times," Poe said, grinning. Finn couldn't fathom how the man could be smiling when their ship just went down in a sand pit and exploded, but he supposed being alive had something to do with that.

"We have to find the nearest village. Too bad it's not evening, I could've probably read the stars--"

"This way," Finn said, already pulling them along in one direction, sweating heavily through his armor. He'd have to get rid of it soon, he knew.

"What? And how do you know that?"

"I just... I just do, okay?" Finn said, trying not to sound like he was whining (he wasn't, alright). Already he missed being around someone who knew the extent of his Force sensitivity.

He felt a pang in his heart at the thought.

"Wait... Finn, are you force sensitive?"

Finn panicked for only a moment, wondering what he should say, but the look on his face (his face, no masks, exposed and much too vulnerable) must have answered the question because Poe's eyes widened.

"A force sensitive stormtrooper. Who'd have thought? I'd think with all their propaganda about order they'd just have, I dunno, trained it out of you," Poe said.

"They, ah... didn't know. Only... there was only one person who knew, and he... well, he was the one who told me to get away," Finn said, biting his lip to keep from revealing too much.

Poe bit his lip thoughtfully, looking across the Jakku wastes before quietly, carefully asking, "This person... did you have to leave him behind when you escaped?"

"Hm," Finn murmured in assent. "He's... He's not a trooper, like me. He was... uh, higher ranking. They thought I was just a toy to him, but he cared about me, he wanted me to get out before the First Order changed me. Before it broke me."

"I'm sorry," Poe said sincerely, and Finn couldn't help but smile at the concern. Poe was warm, welcoming, had been since the first moment Finn pulled him aside as FN-2187 and told him they were escaping. They were friends in the thirty seconds it took for them to undock the TIE and get out of the Finalizer, something Finn never thought was even possible, having to fight for scraps of affection for years and never even getting a name.

"This, uh, person... did you care about him too?" Poe asked, then, and Finn almost stopped their limping progress across the sand at the thought.

Of course he cared about Ren. Of course. He missed him already. But then that brought up the other question he'd had lingering in his mind since Ren confessed to him:

Did he love Kylo Ren?

"I... yeah, but uh, not as much as he cared about me. He said he, uh..." He wondered if he should say it, but Poe was his  _friend,_ the only one he had now since Slip was gone (and even then, he was never sure if they were even friends, if Slip considered him the friend Finn had considered him to be), and didn't you tell friends things and trust them not to judge you for it? Especially since Poe had no ties to the First Order, and Finn figured love wasn't as sensitive a topic for them as it was for the troops. 

"He said he loved me," Finn finished. "But I didn't... I didn't say it back. I didn't know if I..." He huffed, frustrated, kicking a little at the sand as they walked. "Troopers aren't exactly encouraged to hold onto peers when we were supposed to carry on after one died in a firefight. So I didn't know if I loved him, and he loved me a lot, I could tell, and I don't even know when I'll see him again, if I ever will, and tell him the same. Because I miss him and I want to love him the way he loved me but I don't know if I do, but I swear I'd say it if it meant I could see him again." 

He'd babbled, he knew, and felt terribly embarrassed about it, though Poe didn't seem to mind, looking somewhere between amused and fond. 

"I know this sounds like the worst thing I could say right now, and feel free to drop me in the sand if I offend you, but love isn't that hard to figure out. If you want to be with them, if you miss them, if you care about their well-being and want them to be happy, that's love. And it's up to you to figure out what kind of love you feel for this guy, but I can safely say that, from what I'm hearing from you, that you  _do_ love him, and if he does love you half as much as you say, he won't care if you don't feel the same way as him. Because love is just something you gotta figure out for yourself, or together." 

Finn's eyes widened, a little startled, then started chuckling, his face scrunching up amusingly. "Poe Dameron, love expert." 

"That's what they call me, alright," Poe said, waggling his eyebrows. Then, more seriously, "We could... I could put it forward to General Organa. For a... rescue mission. If you want to get him out of there. I can't guarantee anything, and the mission is more important than anything else, but..." 

Finn smiled, a genuine, heartfelt smile, even as he felt a sliver of something break inside. He wanted to say no, wanted right then to let Poe know exactly what he was offering and  _who_ he was offering it to, but he couldn't. Kylo Ren was the very last person who could ever escape the First Order. Finn figured General Hux had a better chance of defecting than the one who Snoke would burn worlds to keep under his thumb. 

But instead, he said, "I'll... think about it." Because no matter what, he couldn't give up on the man. Especially when, according to Poe, he might just be the man Finn loved. 

 

 


End file.
